The Calm in a Busy Time

When I am busy, my brain is also busy.
I am well aware that it is not a good state of mind.

I love to read the story about ninjas ( secret agents in feudal Japan ), spies, and Golgo 13. Their superhuman techniques are of course impressive but I admire the way they can relax. It is a wonder that they can sleep just before a fatal battle. Their nerve must be extremely sharp like an animal so that their enemies cannot approach them.

As for me, I cannot sleep before a performance. I waste a time by watching interesting TV programs even when I am ready to take a rest. I loose my precious opportunity to sleep. I know it sounds rather silly.

My sleeplessness is getting worse as I grow older.

When I die, I would be like sleeping forever. I could sleep as much as I wish.
It might not be such a bad idea.

My daughter went to a concert of Tokio Hotel, a popular rock group.
We cannot stand that loud noise they call music, no matter how hard we try.
After begging me to let her go to the concert, she went with three other friends including a next door neighbor.

She looked up the details of the concert, saved her own money, bought tickets, and waited and waited for the concert.

On the day of the concert, she realized that she did not have any batteries for her film camera. Fussing about at the last moment sounded familiar, as I always rush to pack for a trip just before departure. She has taken after me.

The concert was on a Sunday. We looked everywhere for a shop selling batteries but we could not find them.

I saw off her telling her to "listen with your whole body"

I was expecting her to come home midnight but she came back around 10 o'clock.

"That was superb. Splendid!" she exclaimed.
Her voice was hoarse most probably from shouting during the loud concert. She still talked loud. She must have shouted during the concert to talk to her friends next to her.

"I can hear you. You don't have to speak so loud."

"Mama, thank you very much. I appreciate it most in my entire life that you have let me go to this concert!"

This is what she said to me the following day.

I thought it wasn't but being tolerant once in a while. It was rather unexpected that she would be so appreciative. I felt somehow profited.

( I haven't practiced for tomorrow's concert yet although there is not much time.
I have to cook and there is no bread for tomorrow's lunch box.

I hadn't arrived at the concert hall because traffic was heavy. The program was different from what I had thought. I don't have a costume for the performance. I haven't my make-up on....)

In most cases, my nightmare ends just before I go on stage, which is why I haven't performed on the stage in my dream.

After watching nightmare every now and then, I am able to cope with my work one by one in my real life.
Time comes and goes.

"Anxiety is to stumble at one part of the whole composition"
Then the flaws of the whole performance are self-evident.
According to Serkin's words, "Vague anxiety turns into a great difficulty."

Then there is time space.
I can free my mind to complete emptiness, thinking of nothing.

I may prefer to be busy. It could be because it is easer to cope with difficulties than having to cope with vague anxiety during my free time.

I tend to make things unnecessary difficult.
Creating problems where nothing is wrong.
Perhaps I am only seeking for a moment of complete relaxation.

I am not good at handling appointments, other than concerts and lessons.
I was once told how I could live in Europe in such a way.

I often took my children on walks when they were young.
I thought I was being a good mother but on the other hand, when I come to think of it, perhaps it was me who needed the time to relax the most.